lately, i've been pooing everywhere. it's like im some kind of bear. either that or i'm taking my fiber intake a bit too far. some of these places range from school - early in the morning (these are the best...especially if in the prof's washrooms) to the nastiest of the nasty...a nightclub (shameful. i should really get my anus checked out ASAP). here's a little guide if youre not 'in the know' or a bit timid.

(1) check out the environment
in the case of me 'in da club', it was still early and the facilities weren't flooded with piss and shit. but you should really keep your eyes peeled for the little things; is there even a toilet seat you can rest on? sitting on straight porcelain is no good - condensation and coldness prevent optimal conditions for the deed.

(2)enough toilet paper for the mission
self explanatory, really. you don't wanna have to shimmy quickly over to the next stall with your pants to your ankles only to find out that there's no toilet paper in there either or better yet...that toilet paper has piss on it (pranksters!) or even better yet..you get caught.

(3)make it a social thing (or not)
grunt. fart. laugh. sing. whatever it takes! maybe you like competition in the next stall. this can include who can make the biggest splash or who can hold it longer - sort of like chicken. maybe youre timid on the other hand. in that case do a "courtesy flush" and drop quickly during the cloaking of the "ba-woosh". keep on courtesy flushing as much as you want; nobody's judging you (anti-social assholes).

(4)the stance
some of you have told me that you squat over the seat - never letting your sacred ass rest on the surface (no matter how cushioned youve made it with your half a roll of toilet paper). why the no sitting rule? youre holding yourself back; youre not gonna get enough leverage, your centre of mass is all off and your gonna ruin your knees and lower back, man!

(5)be grounded
once youve decided to empower yourself thru sitting you have yet more choice - feet on the ground or feet off the ground? it's really youre call. this ties in to your personality type. you can be the 'who gives a crap, i'm gonna drop my stinky load and that's that' kinda guy or you can be the timid guy (once again, you suckers). extrovert: if youre the former then drop those feet on the ground, because frankly, who cares?!! introvert: if youre the shy guy then raise those shoes in the air and hold them there (like you just don't care...but really you do). nothing would make you suffer more than joe toilet coming up to you in the future and saying "hey man! i wouldve never recognized you without your shoes. remember me? i was in the stall next to you back in '95 when you laid cable in that subway station. ohhh man i can still smell it today..whatd you eat, dude? indian?"

(6)the exit
wash your hands! youve heard it before. recent studies have been shown blah blah blah. the best length to wash your hands AT THE VERY LEAST is to sing "happy birthday" to yourself twice while scrubbing and lathering. after that...RUN. run like youve never ran before. run like your pants are on fire and you don't know what to do in panic. run forrest, run.