gone in thin air.

where the fuck are my wears?!! im serious...

i just got out of the shower but before that, i prepped my clothes like anyone else out there. the only problem was - i couldn't find a damn pair of underwear left!!!

c'est terrible!!!

i was just forced to dip into my stash of brand new/emergency/special events pack of underwear.
in case you were wondering, yes, i am very pissed...where the hell are they disappearing to? i have or had about 20+ pairs of wears to go in rotation..and now...zilch! zippo! zero!

i either gotta do a wash or buy more.
i'll probably do both considering im down to my last pair available.
after this..it's no hold's barred.

where could they have gone?...hmmm....this man wonders....

maybe the laundry trolls in my basement took them
back in the day i used to always lose 1 sock from a pair. that always happened whenever laundry was done! it had me puzzled for a while..and i thought..and thought..and thought. the only conclusion i could come up with were the notorious trolls who hide in the basement. i believe i once saw a documentary about them on PBS a while back but then again, i could be totally wrong...if im right though...as for my socks, like i said..it had to be them...damn sock trolls..but then again, that doesnt explain my underwears!! we dont even do laundry in our basement anymore. hmmm??....

a stalker possibly?
you know, come to think of it, i have, on various occassions, felt the light, warm soothing breath of someone breathing on my crotch while i sleep. this often happens in the middle of the nite while im half asleep but awake enough to know what's goin on. if this is the case stalker, please...feel free to lay down with me. there's room in my bed, honest. then again, hopefully stalker, you are a female.
imagine a guy doing that?
that's just sick.
and for fuck's sake stalker, if you wanna sniff my underwears in the comfort of your own room and home, then just ask me...ill give you a few soiled pairs for your liking...just ask.

the underground house gnomes?
that's "gnome" pronounced "nome" kids..not "ga-nome" (idiots..hahaha). like the basement laundry trolls mentioned above, this secret society is possibly just another legendary myth with a lot of possible backing evidence. i heard from a reliable source that these guys take your underwears back to their underground cavern. in terms of reclaiming what's rightfully yours, sounds easy right?
wrong. these turds have networks of maze-like underground tunnels. but back to their cavern...this is where they conduct rites of passage using your underwears as a sacred headress while doing their spiritual dance around a bonfire - all as a means to summon what's believed to be the earth's natural life force...which will later be used to power their community waterwheel.
then again, i could be wrong...but really, that's what my source told me.

someone's wearing my wears???!!!
why? who? again..why?!! it's me..that's just disgusting. imagine my 'boys' hung out there and your placing your 'boys' there??? again...why, why, whyyyyy????

as for my part..i know it's crossed your mind but i assure you, im not the skank-boy type. no, i didn't leave my underwears at some girl's house. im not a dirty skank like that. i think about the possible implications...like if your boyfriend found my jockey's at your place. what would he do? what would happen between you two? and i really dont wanna deal with a pissed-off boyfriend knocking at my door twirling a pair of my briefs around his index finger before sling-shotting them back in my face while you sit and cry in the car parked on the boulevard of my street (didnt y'all see that beyonce video?). no..i'd never want that. so i repeat, no i am not a skank-boy type. i pack up my shit and bounce, rightfully.

now that that's been settled...i ask, for the last time...

where the fuck are all my underwears?

thank you for your time. and remember, if youre stuck on what to get me for my 23rd upcoming bday in march..then of course, getting me a pack of underwears is a win-win situation. you can't possibly lose.
the staple is either jockey or hanes athletic/midway fits (i need my support, ok?!! and not just moral)...and please, keep your sac-size jokes to yourself.



[i just say NO to tighty-whitey's.
i dont care if the x-men endorse them or not]


[how i wanna be when im old.
ahh yes..im my den, in my wears..and my socks and shoes...
smoking a nice pipe of tobacco listening to old records.
whatta life.]


[definitely not these joints.
i don't care how romantic i am or ever will be]


[maybe a 'yes' to these though...
i like clothing that makes me blush, myself]



g'day.