wow, yet another friday nite where i stay in. these are rare. i remember last year, we'd go out every nite of the weekend. seeing that skool is here once again, i think i needed this friday at home.

so what does a man of leisure do on a friday nite?
some might think a jar of vaseline, a couple skinflicks and a squirting vagina toy.
others might think a bottle of j.d.'s and a staggering conversation with self along with a glazed over stare into space.

those are some beliefs. this man, however watched some good ol' fashioned cable television. and cable television, sorry, i should restate that...to you, friday nite cable television - it's been a long time coming, my sweet.

friday nites have everything and nothing on at the same time. what i mean to say is, most shows after 9pm on a friday nite contain everything about nothing. which is okay i guess...once in awhile. surely, i cant watch discovery, a&e, history, the food network and tlc alone. i gotta have some yin to my yang, right kids?

so im flipping through and i must say, there's a great assortment of entertaining garbage on every channel in several different languages.
there was mexican wrestling of course on telelatino.
after a few minutes of watching 6 masked men beat the crap out of eachother with high flying, mask-ripping, mexican-screaming antics, i flipped the script and came across the conan o'brien show (is that how you spell it or is it an 'a'? oh well...who gives a shit at this hour) there he had paris hilton as his guest. i personally dont like paris. im sorry..maybe to some of you she's gorgeous but to me, she's way too skinny (uh oh, i can hear the feminists kicking down my door now). if i brought her home to my house or around my friends everyone would probably think i was dating a crack head. cmon...girl looks like a fucking chicken wing. then again, she's a rich bitch..so if she was a crack head then she may very well be able to afford her habit. and if i was dating a crack head like her, then hell, she can buy me enough crack to last a lifetime!...yes, a very brief lifetime, but nonetheless - enough crack for a lifetime, yawls!!

as most men do, i continued flipping...and surfing..and flipping all the while with my tshirt riding up and my belly exposed to the cool surface of my cranberry italian leather sofa.
it was beauty and grotesque all balled into one.
mind you women, we men surf because we are hunters. so if you get married, or are married..and your getting pissed cause the mr. keeps hitting the clicker, then think about the neanderthal man and his god-given will to hunt and search for the perfect meal [channel] vs the wise super-fast, super-calculating female species who catches the t.v. guide channel and conserves her energy - nursing her brain with what's on each and every channel - the easy and effective way (vs the grunting, hairy, spear-holding, scratching, dizzying, channel-flipping ways of myself).

anyhow...as the hours progressed into the early morning of today, the adult shows came on.
oh yes.
everything from some guy running around naked and finding an old condom still on him (really fucked up shit on bravo late nites) to some spanish soap opera where everyone is humping and the ladies are full-frontal nudists with large fake sacks of saline shoved into their chests to fatal attraction uncut and unedited on the women's network to some softcore porn movie on city tv. yes, late nite friday t.v. is raunchy..and yes, although i wanted to get away from the t.v. i couldnt pull myself away from all the corruption. maybe it was the high-in-simple-sugar oatmeal cookie that caused me to release serotonin and fall half-assed asleep and still watching or maybe it was, again, the cool comforting feeling of the couch but i really couldnt pull myself away. in the end, the selling point for me to get my ass upstairs and into my room was the fact that i didnt brush my teeth for the nite. the thought of my teeth rotting for at least 6 hours, as a result of my own negligence..well i cant go for that.
so i did..and now, the cool minty flavour in my mouth and the water on my face has me awake and unable to sleep.
which is why i just wrote all of this banter.

one last thought, in those 1-800 commercials with the chicks in bikinis holding the phone...who the fuck believes that you really get to talk to them???
and really, why would they be stuck at home waiting for a slob like you to call? honestly.


"hey stud..wanna talk? im waiting..."

and let's say for a minute all that is true...if theyre that hot, and theyre waiting for you to call..and are getting paid a measely cut of the $14.50/min that the hotline company gets from you...then theyre probably really trannys.
and if that is for real and they really are waiting for you to call...in their bikinis...at home..with their girlfriends with them..jumping up and down..coming out of the ocean and onto the beach..rubbing oils on themselves and their friends why would they wanna talk to you, jag-off?

if that really is the case.

(t.v...and you wonder why im so fucked up)