ten by outback jay

1. arrowroot cookies should always be packed along with fresh fruit or fiber. believe me. when your out in the bush or out eating bush (if that's your thang) then you'd be advised to eat a lot of fiber and anything that binds. this is true to fact especially if youre gonna be eating a lot of refined carb and grilled meat all day and nite in addition to alcohol - which'll probably dehydrate you and cause constipation. believe me folks, after prom weekend back in 2000, im never not gonna poo again for 3 days.

2. this is related to #1 and pooing. if youre gonna take a dump/lay-some cable/cut logs/make a business transaction with the toilet corporation - then go all out; make that extra 5min walk to the "good" washroom vs the shitty outhouse right by your site. you know which one im talking about..the one that looks like a closet with a toilet in it; no lights..and that mysterious toilet with the bottomless pit - yeah that one. why would you wanna lay your bare ass on that thing? for one, it smells like death in there and for another thing, what if something comes out of that hole and bites you in the ass?!! and beyond that..if youre a guy...and your scrotum is hanging from that toilet seat hole...doesnt that resemble ripe sweet fruit or bait to whatever creatures live down there??? not safe.

3. always pack a personal bottle of mouthwash. and no, none of this new and improved relaxing, 'no burn' bullshit...when you go camping, you're gonna wanna pack the extra strength, industrial, peppermint, burn-an-ulcer-through-your-stomach-if-swallowed-stuff. extremely important if you've been drinking the nite before and tossed your cookies right in front of your tent; extremely important if you have no access to a nearby washroom and gotta get that nasty overnite vomity-chunky taste out of your teeth, tongue and mouth the next glorious day. and really, nobody wants to be known as a mike branco from highschool who's breath smells like he's been eating shit for breakfast. even a man with bad breath can scare something as glorious and phenomonal as the blazing morning sun - cowering back to its cloudy resting place in terror.

4. know your limits. if you plan to drink, know where you stand and know that standing is essential in life. nobody wants a raukus, boisterous, near-death drunk on hand. that really ruins everyone's buzz and really, i think you scare both the natives and the animals away. not cool. although, it is cool i guess...you got your own story now.

5. tent companies got it wrong on their set up directions. i whole-heartedly believe this. they say set up your tent roughly 6 feet from surrounding objects. i say these are bogus directions; your tent should be at least 20 feet away from the nearest surrounding object especially if the nearest surrounding object is someone else's tent. why? well...say youre getting all hot and heavy with ol' girl in your tent and one thing leads to another and you'd like to verbalize your pleasure in the form of an operatic performance - pavarotti style?..what then? not everyone wants to purchase a ticket to that shit and no, not everyone wants to hear your flesh slapping another's flesh - youre not in a meatpacking factory! and on the other hand...like if it's early morning, you've just used your extra strength, burning, peppermint flavour mouthwash and youre on your way to begin your day with the beautiful sun shinning down on your ugly mug...the last thing you wanna hear are little squeeky morning farts from a nearby tent. sometimes, objects sound closer than they appear...in this case, if you set up your tent a measily 6ft. from the nearest tent, youre gonna hear those heart-stopping frightening squeeky farts. and personally, i think that's your own fault for not following my instruction.

6. ghosts will be ghosts. if theyre in your area then shoot, offer them a drink!..or even that left-over drumstick from dinner. not all ghosts are there to wage terror on your life. to believe in that idea is the same as believing that all arabs are connected to al queda and all italians are part of the mob. cmon now..where would that leave mohammed who works at the gas station by my house or sam the janitor from elementary school?? if these people were really out to get you..they would. the same goes for ghosts. not all are bad ghosts.

7. camping showers are the real terrorists. fuck ghosts. imagine going into a shower after a long day at the beach. all you wanna do is cool down with a nice refreshing shower. the only problem?....the shower head is a fucking jet firehose!!! i am not a shed on fire. the water comes out of that nozzle so fast and so hard - i swear, if i'd stay there a few minutes longer with it directly on my pelvic region, i woulda had my circumcision re-lived. that's a double circumcision!!! and a side note..to you people waiting impatiently outside while i finish taking my shower..screw you! be patient. i personally use a shower to clean myself..meaning my whole body and every possible orifice that bacterial/pee infested water may have entered. be nice.

8.racoons are brave. dont challenge them. instead, hide your food..cause when they get a bite out of your ass, that'll spell rabies for you. not cool.

9. if youre the only visible minority for 200 miles in all directions, then be cautioned. keep your volume low and dont fuck with the locals. didnt y'all watch mississippi burning? i personally feel sorry for these folk.

10. for the best bang for your buck..jamaican rum is the shiznit. when in concert with mexican tequila, some filipino beers, french cognac, lychee soho and dr. mcGuillycuddie's magical elixir (peach schnapps) things will get volatile yet, enjoyable.