to the left is the handsome face of commissioned retail.

first things first, did you know that my current job blows harder than an alterboy sometimes?

sure the pay is good. selling shit on comission has it's benefits and bonuses but if youre not careful, itll give you the teeth of a piranha, the eye of a tiger and the twisted tongue of satan. in other words, you'll look and feel like youve been eating garlic and liverwurst sandwiches, peppered with a 76 year old woman's pubes for a living.

coming into this job i said to myself "hey, i'll do my best to help the customer. not only will i get them what the want and need, but i'll take my customer service that extra yard and go above and beyond (a common catch-phrase used in the retail industry)". shoot, when i first started half a year ago, i was ready to clip the customer's toenails and clean the lint out of their belly buttons with my tongue. since then, im glad to say that i just dont give a flying fuck anymore. it ain't fun. it's actually a job now. it's work; a common underlying theme that many of my past part time and temporary jobs have taught me.

this is especially the case in the mall where i work at. you see, when you deal with rich, white, professional, well-to-do people, they expect you to do everything for them. this is not the case all of the time but it is the case 95% of the time. if the size isnt available in the store, they want you to grab some textiles & fasteners and actually tailor the shit rite there in front of them. if that doesnt work, theyre gonna want you to get the nearest rusty tin can lid and skin yourself. from there, you can shower the customer the latest fashions from your own signature line of human pelts they can enjoy.

sometimes, customers claim they can fit into smaller sizes than they would like to believe. in reference to that, the only thing i can say is "im sorry, but if you think your fat ass can fit into a size 4, you were probably reading the labels wrong in the past. your size 4 of the past is probably a size 4 of the past, literally. your size was a size 4 when milk costed a nickel and chinese girls bound their feet - that's when a size 4 was a size 4 of that size". newsflash: if you cant fit into our clothes, im sorry to break it to you..but your fat. youre too fat for our clothes. im tired of using the "it's a european tailoring and fit" excuse; that's fucking bogus - your rich, stuck up ass is a fat rich and stuck up ass! sorry to break it to you but youre not only fat in europe, youre fat in antarctica; youre fat in australia; south america etc. etc...shit..dont even get me started on how they would view you in africa!

it's unanimous

[NATO, the commonwealth, the UN, you name it, they all agree...youre fat]

and my coworkers; the new co-workers and some of the old ones. back to working on commission - since when was it impossible for all of us to get our bonuses at the end of the month? motherfuckers act like sharks - circling the store - ready to devour the newest customer to walk through the front door. motherfuckers keep on printing out stat sheets displaying how many sales they've sold in the last hour or throughout the day or even compared to other co-workers. me, personally, i never look at this shit, my philosophy is: if the customer is gonna buy shit, theyre gonna buy shit; i aint ready to lie and it's definitely not my job to convince anyone out there to buy anything they dont already like themselves - im not a politician or even a lawyer. yeah, true, im a salesmen, but fuck that moniker. that doesnt mean i drop my principles to sell some shitty fabrics - that just aint my style. this approach seems to work too, considering that im the 2nd best seller in the store of 20+ employees.

a word to anyone selling anything on commission, whether it be pig's feet or cars, look at yourself in the mirror at the end of the day and eat a big warm bowl of cat shit with a knit needle - that's exactly what you deserve you rat bastards. believe me, i know first hand...or at least i try not to.

my morals are too strongly held, my energy is a positive one and my personality is too sparkling to be wasted on all of this.
this shall be my last retail job ever, of all time.

in the meantime, however, i still gotta pay my bills and eat.

kinesiologist for hire.
who wants in?